Post-Scout Depression

depression-brain-scanPost-Scout Depression (scientifically called Sanic withdrawal) is a common medical condition linked with the sudden loss of sanics. Typically, the onset of ‘PSD‘ is caused by switching from a class or loadout with a high sanic rating to one with a significantly lower sanic rating. The result of the abrupt change is a noticeable depression in brain activity as the patient adjusts to their new limitations, a step which is clinically referred to as ‘sanic withdrawal’.

Symptoms of PSD include: lowered neural activity (see PET scan), dopamine deficiency, anger or irritability, slurred speech, loss of energy, inability to avoid damage, and reckless behaviour. Many of these symptoms are linked with PSD’s twin metabolic disorder, sanic dependence, which is caused by a patient’s body becoming too reliant on their sanics to avoid damage or to disengage effectively after overextending, allowing them to coast by on relatively sloppy play.

There are no remedies for post-scout depression. Despite this, Imperial doctors and medical researchers recommend, when switching from a high sanic class or loadout to a lower one, to transition slowly and in multi-class intervals. These preventative measures have shown great success in reducing the effect of sanic dependence, and in effect, PSD.

War on Mini-Sentries

mini_sentry_by_dromlexer-d6lilccThe War on Min-Sentries is an ongoing conflict between the Empire and Gunslinger Engineers. The war began on July 8, 2010 when Valve Corporation released the Engineer Update for Team Fortress 2, which added the Gunslinger into the game. Currently, it is unknown whether the War on Mini-Sentries will see any sort of conclusion in the foreseeable future.

The Gunslinger allows Engineers to construct the Mini-Sentry, a cheap 100 metal Sentry Gun replacement that is widely believed to be one of (if not the only) truly unbalanced weapon ever added to Team Fortress 2. The Mini-Sentry deploys in less than three seconds, requires no maintenance, and locks down any and all areas with its 100% accurate auto-aim gun and a 360 degree arc of rotation. In addition, the Engineer gains 25 additional health points just for equipping the weapon. The Gunslinger is problematic in that once the Engineer has plopped the weapon down, his foe’s attention and firepower must now be divided between the belligerent Engineer and his rapidly deploying Mini-Sentry. Combined with the fact that the Engineer can freely fire any of his weapons at you during this time, it is nigh impossible for a foe to escape unscathed from an encounter with a Gunslinger Engineer. As if that wasn’t enough, the Mini-Sentry’s 360-degree auto-aim fire will shut down Scouts, jumping Soldiers, and jumping Demomen with a simple press of a button.

The Empire takes great offense at Gunslinger Engineers. Whenever an enemy Gunslinger Engineer is spotted, Imperials focus all of their efforts in order to make certain that they do not enjoy their heretical experience. Instrumental in this conflict is the Direct Hit for the Soldier, the direct counter to the Mini-Sentry, which can destroy the building in a single hit. The use of the Gunslinger is strictly prohibited within the Empire; Imperials must not give into their hate and instead stand as paragons of all that is just and balanced.

Many battles have been won in hundreds of campaigns, but the War is not over until the Gunslinger and its users are nerfed off the face of the Earth.

King Crimson

2r9c4omKing Crimson is a phenomenon that sometimes appears in multiplayer games, especially multiplayer shooters like Team Fortress 2Counter-Strike, and Call of Duty. A King Crimson event occurs when a player is experiencing such a high volume of lag and packet loss that they appear to teleport between positions rather than actually move to them. King Crimsons are notoriously hard to kill, as one can never truly be sure where their true position is. Combined with the forgiving lag compensation in the Source Engine, a King Crimson is a major threat to all those in opposition when it appears on the battlefield.

King Crimson is named after a character of the same name in the JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure manga. In the series, King Crimson is a ‘stand’ with the ability to erase “frames” of time like how one edits a movie. The result is something which mirrors the way packet loss is handled in some multiplayer games.

As an added bonus, the character is named after an awesome prog band.

SimCity

tf2-gunsSimCity is an Imperialish term to refer to an overly defensive team. A team is said to be ‘playing SimCity’ if they’ve built more than three Level 3 Sentry Guns on the last capture point of a map. Sentry Guns are without a doubt the best defensive tool in the game, and two Sentry Guns covering each other can be difficult to push through. Three Level 3 Sentry Guns with proper crossfire is extremely difficult to destroy, but it can be done consistently. However, four or more Level 3 Sentry Guns with proper placement is absolutely impossible to push through without proper team support (which is almost never available). Thus, a SimCity defense can be considered an unbreakable defense provided you have the co-ordination to build and maintain the nests.

The tactic is named after the popular game series created by the late Maxis Software, in which a mayor must build and govern a city from scratch.

Chinese Assembly Line

n_11shenyangThe Chinese Assembly Line is an Imperial tactic in Team Fortress 2. When employed, the Imperial team can construct a fully upgraded Level 3 Sentry Gun in less than ten seconds, a construction project that would take at least one entire minute to complete.

The tactic involves a minimum of two Engineers. One Engineer builds a Sentry Gun, and the other Engineers whack the building with their wrenches to speed up the construction and upgrade it to its max level while the initial Engineer works on securing other important buildings such as the teleporter and dispenser. When completed, the supporting engineers commit suicide and switch to their respective classes, sometimes taking the Engineer’s teleporter back to the frontlines just before the round starts.

The Chinese Assembly Line allows OPERATORS to create infrastructure very quickly. Many of the advanced Sentry Gun placements used by Imperial Engineers are difficult, if not impossible to complete before the end of the setup phase, let alone being able to build important secondary buildings and completing a teleporter network.

The tactic is named after the work ethic in the People’s Republic of China. When the Chinese government wants a project completed quickly, they quite literally throw human lives at it until it’s completed, a resource which they have absolutely no shortage of.

The Combo

Castle BravoThe Combo is a Good Company tactic in Team Fortress 2. Developed in secret by Imperial scientists, the Combo is a strategy reserved for only the most dire emergencies where victory must be achieved at any cost. As such, it exists as an ‘ace in the hole’ of sorts that does not see widespread use among Good Company.

The Combo consists of a Medic equipped with the Kritzkreig and a Soldier equipped with the Beggar’s Bazooka and the Battalion’s Backup. After the Soldier has done at least 600 damage, the Backup can be deployed to reduce sentry damage and knockback by 50%, reduce damage by 35% from all other damage sources, and negate critical hits entirely for the Soldier and any nearby teammates. On top of that, it boosts the regular max health of the Soldier to 220, and overhealed to 330. The Beggar’s Bazooka can fire up to three rockets in rapid succession, and fires every subsequent rocket slightly faster at the cost of accuracy. The Kritzkreig, of course, guarantees critical hits for 8 seconds after activation at the cost of no defensive bonus.

When these factors are combined and activated simultaneously , the Combo is in full effect. The initial triple-rocket spread can put out 810 damage in less than a second within a splash radius. This means that, if all three rockets strike the center of a group of enemies, 810 damage is the minimum damage the Combo can inflict, and that’s just in the first seconds of being active. Subsequent rockets can clean up any survivors and eradicate the enemy team in a matter of seconds. The traditional weakness of a Kritzkreig combo is that they are susceptible to all incoming damage, especially the Medic; however, with the Battalion’s Backup active, both the Medic and the Soldier (plus nearby teammates) gain considerable damage resistance that nearly guarantees that, at the very least, the initial deadly three-rocket blast will be deployed regardless of how the enemy team reacts. Quite often, the Combo will clear out an entire enemy team in seconds; not many strategies can consistently exterminate a full 12 person team.

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However, the Combo is not without weakness. It is really only effective in extreme chokepoints (such as the entirety of Dustbowl, Hoodoo, Gold Rush, and some areas of Badwater), which means its efficacy in more open maps is dubious. Furthermore, the Combo does take quite a while to completely prepare and thus is susceptible to being eliminated before it can be deployed.

The Combo was developed sometime after the July 10, 2013 patch for Team Fortress 2 that significantly rebalanced the game. The Battalion’s Backup was buffed to provide additional sentry protection (+15%), and to build meter from doing damage instead of receiving it. Later, in the December 20, 2013 patch, the Backup gained the +20 max HP buff which enhanced the strategy.

Shoot-Banger

steamworkshop_webupload_previewfile_162379072_previewThe Reserve Shooter (Imperialish: Shoot-Banger) is a weapon for the Soldier and the Pyro in Team Fortress 2. At the cost of a smaller clip size, the weapon deals mini-crit (135%) damage to enemies in the air. Shoot-banging refers to the tactic of equipping the weapon on the Pyro, bouncing the enemy up in the air with the compression blast, and immediately shooting them for massive damage. Done correctly, a shoot-bang can easily result in over 100 points of damage in less than a second, and is nearly unavoidable.

The origin of the term “shoot-bang” is unknown. It seems to be a fabrication of entirely Imperial origin that, for some unknown reason, perfectly sums up what the tactic is: shooting the enemy up in the air, and finishing them off with a bang.

We Fucked Up Everything

go_backGo back, we fucked up everything,” is a popular Imperialish expression. The idiom is often spoken as a faux-warning to other Imperials regarding a subject they may not be familiar with. The phrase is common in situations where time-travel is involved, where a time-traveler usually returns to the past to warn those who are not enlightened that, in the future, they “…have fucked up everything.” The phrase stems from an edited version of the March of Progress, with the last stage being flipped to face the others, uttering the infamous phrase.

It is important to note that the phrase, when spoken, puts heavy emphasis on the final word. This is to imply that, in the future, not only are things in a state of despair, but they have indeed fucking up everything that there was to fuck up.

The phrase sees frequent usage in Team Fortress 2 and Civilization. In Team Fortress 2, the phrase is usually uttered as a warning to other players of an incoming threat or a dangerous area. In Civilization, which deals with a much more grand scale, the phrase is a commonly spoken situation report in times of mayhem within ones empire, especially after (or during) losing a major war.

Hat Fortress 2

 halolz-dot-com-teamfortress2-hatfortress2-boxart“After nine years in development, we’ll ruin it in two!”
-Gabe Newell

Team Fortress 2 (Imperialish: Hat Fortress 2Team Fart-Rest 2, commonly abbreviated to just TF2) is a 2007 video game developed by Valve Software, and is the most played game in the Empire. The object of Team Fortress 2 is the acquisition of hats and other cosmetic items through player-to-player item trading set against the background of a first-person shooter. Team Fortress 2 is unique in that it is continually ruined every few months as Valve Software crams even more unnecessary items into the game in order to make a quick buck, many of which destroy the game’s delicate balance. In opposition to this, however, many OPERATORS hold that the game was ruined long before the addition of any recent hats or weapons, and the updates themselves are, in effect, beating a dead horse.

Click a class icon for a more detailed discourse:

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TF2 – Spy

SpyOfficial Imperial Power Rankings™:

OPERATOR Rating: star_onstar_onstar_onstar_onstar_off

Skill Rating: star_onstar_onstar_onstar_onstar_off

Frag rating: star_onstar_onstar_onstar_offstar_off

Sanic Rating: star_onstar_onstar_onstar_offstar_off

Detailed Results:

The Spy (Imperialish: Sneakyman, Frog, French Piece of Shit, Darkman, or Spion) is one of the nine playable classes in Team Fortress 2. Designed to be an OPERATOR class from the ground-up, the Spy possesses the most NATO weapons in Team Fortress 2, with the Not-Dying Machine in particular being the best single tool for antics. Despite the fact that many Good Company Imperials are masters of the class, most of them have since hung up their knives in favour of more skillful classes which actually have a future in Team Fortress 2.

The problem lies in the fact that the Spy manipulates the mistakes and ignorance of his opponents in order to score frags. Understandably, against better players, the Spy’s role becomes increasingly harder and harder. Upon facing a half-decent player at best, the Spy’s frags will almost entirely consist of either facestabs or headshots. Certain Spy players cannot cope with this fact, and continue to pour hours and hours into a mechanically dead-end class in hopes of being “the best”. The brain-dead following of the Spy can be likened to similar morons that worship the Pyro, with a similar caliber of unlockable weapons.

The Spy is also notable for being the only class besides the Sniper with the ability to snip dicks, giving him at least some semblance of worth against decent players. In fact, most Imperial spies often end up with more headshots than backstabs, as it is a more reliable tactic than putting yourself in direct danger for an opportunity to get a kill. Just as the Spy is defeated by any intelligent, sentient being, he can also be unintentionally outwitted by supreme ineptitude.