Chancellor Valorum

ValorumPortrait-SWEFinis Valorum (commonly called by his title Chancellor Valorum or just Valorum) is the current Supreme Chancellor of the Empire. The position of Supreme Chancellor operates directly underneath the Emperator himself, and is in charge of managing the deliberations of the Imperial Senate; however, Valorum is most notable for being one of the most bumbling and ineffective political leaders in the history of the Empire. Despite this, Imperial voters unanimously vote him back into power every single election just to see what kind of accidental antics the maladroit fool gets himself into next.

“Why do we care about Valorum again?” – Imperial Journalist

The most notable example of Chancellor Valorum’s complete and utter ineptitude is his handling of a simple dispute over taxes that snowballed into a major war between members of the senate. Valorum began by sending out a party of two to investigate the dispute. The investigators were ambushed by the Trade Federation leaders, but were able to escape and vowed to “warn the Naboo, and contact Chancellor Valorum.” When the Supreme Chancellor and the delegates of the Senate were informed of a tragedy that had occurred that started “right here with the taxation of the trade routes,” Valorum instead asked if the Senator would “defer [his] motion to allow a commission to investigate the validity of [his] accusations,” despite the fact that he had the testimony of the two investigators that he himself trusted and sent to settle the whole dispute in the first place.

Valorum’s clumsy mishandling of a simple dispute would eventually “[engulf] our entire planet in the oppression of the Trade Federation,” a hilarious outcome that cemented Valorum’s position as the Supreme Chancellor in the eyes of the Empire. Imperial voters could not have asked for a bigger, more antic-producing representative for the position of Supreme Chancellor.

War on Mini-Sentries

mini_sentry_by_dromlexer-d6lilccThe War on Min-Sentries is an ongoing conflict between the Empire and Gunslinger Engineers. The war began on July 8, 2010 when Valve Corporation released the Engineer Update for Team Fortress 2, which added the Gunslinger into the game. Currently, it is unknown whether the War on Mini-Sentries will see any sort of conclusion in the foreseeable future.

The Gunslinger allows Engineers to construct the Mini-Sentry, a cheap 100 metal Sentry Gun replacement that is widely believed to be one of (if not the only) truly unbalanced weapon ever added to Team Fortress 2. The Mini-Sentry deploys in less than three seconds, requires no maintenance, and locks down any and all areas with its 100% accurate auto-aim gun and a 360 degree arc of rotation. In addition, the Engineer gains 25 additional health points just for equipping the weapon. The Gunslinger is problematic in that once the Engineer has plopped the weapon down, his foe’s attention and firepower must now be divided between the belligerent Engineer and his rapidly deploying Mini-Sentry. Combined with the fact that the Engineer can freely fire any of his weapons at you during this time, it is nigh impossible for a foe to escape unscathed from an encounter with a Gunslinger Engineer. As if that wasn’t enough, the Mini-Sentry’s 360-degree auto-aim fire will shut down Scouts, jumping Soldiers, and jumping Demomen with a simple press of a button.

The Empire takes great offense at Gunslinger Engineers. Whenever an enemy Gunslinger Engineer is spotted, Imperials focus all of their efforts in order to make certain that they do not enjoy their heretical experience. Instrumental in this conflict is the Direct Hit for the Soldier, the direct counter to the Mini-Sentry, which can destroy the building in a single hit. The use of the Gunslinger is strictly prohibited within the Empire; Imperials must not give into their hate and instead stand as paragons of all that is just and balanced.

Many battles have been won in hundreds of campaigns, but the War is not over until the Gunslinger and its users are nerfed off the face of the Earth.

Dark Forces

Dark_Forces_coverDark Forces is a label given to a number of hypothetical omniscient forces that act against the Empire. Though the existence of the Dark Forces have never been empirically proven, their effects on Imperials has been measured and documented. Researchers have even gone as far as calling the Dark Forces “the ultimate, undying and intangible enemy of the Empire that threatens to tear the Imperials apart from inside.”

The Dark Forces are assumed to be responsible for a countless number of atrocities and tragedies. Some of these include:

  • assuring you are paired with incompetent dimwits while your enemies are comprised entirely of seasoned veterans
  • rigging psudeo-random mechanics such that a Soldier with 0.2 hours played and 0 points on the verge of death fires seven critical rockets in a row
  • orchestrating events that lead to severe lag spikes in crucial clutch situations

As the Dark Forces themselves are intangible, efforts by the Empire to quell or somehow lessen their effects have been unsuccessful. Several campaigns to end the terror of the Dark Forces have ended in complete disaster and massive loss of lives. Many feel that, as long as the Empire prospers, the Dark Forces will continue to cause terror and destruction, like a deranged application of Newton’s Third Law.

Speed Cola

speed_cola2Speed Cola is a fictional brand of soft drink featured in Nazi Zombies and Call of Duty: Black Ops. The drink itself gives the consumer what is essentially Sleight of Hand, increasing the speed at which they reload their weapon. Speed Cola is of great significance to the Empire and OPERATORS due to the fact that its associated theme song is extremely OPERATOR, possessing an OPERATOR rating of 5 Iron Mans out of 5, a feat matched only by a rare few songs. Of particular note is the fact that, after continuous analyzing and dismantling of the jingle, OPERATORS began hearing “…And Swedish bastard!” in place of, “…And speed is mastered!” in the song, an unfortunate observation that, once heard, cannot be unheard.

SPACE JAM

207px-M79_6SPACE JAM was an Imperial OPERATOR who was particularly skilled with the M79 Grenade Launcher (Imperialish: Thumper) to the point that enemy combatants could not contain their intense hatred for him. His prowess with the Thumper can be linked to his equal skill with a basketball, and the similarity in trajectory of the Thumper’s projectiles and basketballs. The amount of enemy tears collected by SPACE JAM is that which few OPERATORS can claim to match. SPACE JAM was also fond of singing the lyrics of the theme song to the 1996 movie, Space Jam, in the server chat in all capitals.

thumperveteran

 

An incomplete collection of tears collected by SPACE JAM:

spacejam7 spacejam6 spacejam5 spacejam4 spacejam3 spacejam2 spacejam1

Shitnerds

shitnerds The Shitnerds are an elite division of Imperial OPERATORS assembled by the Empire in late 2011 with the sole purpose of performing hilarious antics on European Team Fortress 2 players in ETF2L, the European Team Fortress 2 League. With their signature catch-phrase, “CYU SHITNERDS LATER”, the Shitnerds generated copious amounts of hilarity within the European community, with highlights including comic gold such as the BakerMartin incident and a game against Professional Upward Players.

The Shitnerds finished second in their division, with their last match being played on December 17th, 2011.

Final standings

Final standings

See also:

 

Professional Upward Player

pl_upwardA “Professional Upward Player” is an Imperialish slang saying for a player with an absolute lack of knowledge about high-level play in Team Fortress 2. The joke was first uttered in the Shitnerds Mumble server during an ETF2L match against Ducksoup Gaming in response to the apparent fact that the team had actually practiced pl_upward prior the the match, a map that is considered a strictly scrub-only map. The Shitnerds would later go on to sweep Duckshit Gaming 3-0 on cp_gravelpit, an attack/defense map that is popular among high-level Team Fortress 2 players.

What began as an implicit joke at first grew into fact as a chat with Ducksoup Gaming member JMB solidified the suspicions:

  • 7:12 PM – ibuprofen: we have 0 experience with upward
  • 7:12 PM – ibuprofen: because most of us play 6v6 exclusively
  • 7:12 PM – [DSG] JMB: we actually practiced that map.. but we suck at Gpit
  • 7:12 PM – ibuprofen: hahahahaha

Before the chat, the idea that Ducksoup Gaming had actually practiced pl_upward was a humorous thought, but simply an implication. Afterwards, it had become obvious that Ducksoup Gaming was actually more Full Retard than previously suspected by the Empire.

Duckshit Gaming, the professional Upward players, narrowly defeat Shitnerds on pl_upward:

Shitnerds crush Duckshit 3-0 in just over 10 minutes on Gravelpit:

Pro Pyro Community

class_pyroredThe Pro Pyro Community (sometimes pronounced “pro peer-o community” in Imperialish) incident occurred sometime in late 2010 to early 2011, where
a dedicated Pyro player, when questioned about the ineffectiveness of the Pyro class in Team Fortress 2, answered that the Pyro is a viable competitive class, and made reference to an obscure “Pro Pyro Community” that many Imperial scholars deem “literally impossible,” and “inherently contradictory”. Within the Imperialish language, the idiom “Pro Pyro Community” is used as an example of an illogical statement.

The antic is somewhat antiquated as, since its inception, the Pyro class has received a variety of weapons and adjustments that boost his viability. However, the class is still a less effective and more risky at completing many of its roles, and as such the phrase can still be appreciated even in modern times.

OPERATOR

OPERATOROPERATOR is a term used to describe any concept, weapon, event, person or pretty much anything of inherent tacticoolness or badassery. Note that OPERATOR should always be written in all capital letters and in bold when available. OPERATOR ratings are given out based on the OPERATORness of the person or event in question. The unit for OPERATOR ratings is given out of 5 “Iron Man(s)”, where 1 Iron Man out of 5 implies a slightly OPERATOR event and 5 Iron Mans out of 5 refers to an event of extreme OPERATOR. This is often accompanied by the official OPERATOR theme, which varies depending on the rating. The Empire has developed a device to allow you to deploy the customary OPERATOR rating music at will through the web or a cellular phone. This device can be found here.

Within the Empire, OPERATOR, when used as a noun, can specifically refer to active Imperial combatants, usually those within a Special Forces group such as the Good Company or the Shitnerds. OPERATORS follow a strict set of guidelines and procedures that allow them to act swiftly, cohesively, and decisively.

An example of things that are OPERATOR:

  • F22 Raptor, M1911 (1/5 Iron Mans)
  • Flammenwerfer (2/5 Iron Mans)
  • mp_carentan, E1M1, Facing Worlds (3/5 Iron Mans)
  • Speed Cola, Kenshiro (4/5 Iron Mans)
  • LoopZook, RendeZook, OpFor Theme (5/5 Iron Mans)

Modern Doomfare 2

RIP_OF_TEARModern Doomfare 2 (Actual name: Real Guns Hardcore) is a modification for Doom that is regarded by every OPERATOR as literally the best thing ever created. The mod itself incorporates almost every Modern Warfare 2 weapon and perk into Doom and eliminates every single bad thing about Modern Warfare 2 in the process. The amount of joy that comes from playing Modern Doomfare 2 is unmatched in the Empire, and has become a staple sport among the Imperials, who often run through Doom WADs on co-op.