Steyr AUG

AUS Soldier with AUGThe Steyr AUG (Imperialish: AUG HBAR, pronounced “huh-bar”) is an Austrian bullpup assault rifle. It is of much importance to the Empire due to its clutch characteristics. When unleashed in Modern Warfare 2 and Modern Doomfare 2, it showers the target with an unending barrage of bullets and death. Needless to say, many Revenants and Jabronis fell prey to this beast of a machine. The AUG was first discovered in Counter-Strike 1.6, but due to its inherent shittiness of not being an AK-47, AWP, or an M4A1, it was ignored by the Empire. Later, in Counter-Strike: Goyim Offensive, the weapon received significant rebalancing to make it much more OPERATOR.

Revolver

ambassador_opt_largeThe revolver (Imperialish nicknames: Peacemaker, SAA, Dirty Harry, and D’ARTAGNAN MOTHERFUCKER) is a type of sidearm characterised by multiple revolving chambers and one chamber for firing, usually holding only 6 shots. Among Imperials, the revolver is often the sidearm of choice when it is available, due to its near-maximum OPERATOR levels. The revolver is usually moderately accurate, slow to fire, and even slower to reload. However, it usually packs a massive punch, sometimes the most in the game. Coupled with the fact that the revolver has a very limited round capacity, the revolver is almost always a trusty skill-reliant weapon that will bail the Imperial out of almost any scenario should he posses the skill to wield it.

Oh, and it goes without mention that it’s cool as all fuck. A skilled Good Company OPERATOR wielding a revolver puts out enough damage to rival an entire battery of Howitzers. Ever wanted to be a combination of Harry Callahan, the Man with No Name, and Revolver Ocelot? This is the closest you’re going to get. The revolver scores extra points if it requires manually loading each bullet by hand (speed loaders don’t lose points, but aren’t nearly as OPERATOR). In fact, the longer the reload time for a revolver, the better it is by Imperial standards; currently, the Colt Walker from Fistful of Frags holds the record for having the clunkiest reload time of any revolver ever to be featured in a game.

Below is a short list of some of the favourite incarnations of the Imperial revolver:

  • The Half-Life 2 Western mod, Fistful of Frags, holds the distinction of having the best revolver(s) overall, with a large selection of OPERATOR as fuck weaponry to choose from, including the Imperial favourite Colt Peacemaker (better known as the Single Action Army), the Colt Navy, the S&W Schofield, and the almighty Colt Walker.
  • Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater has a fully-featured Colt Single Action Army, with features such as fanning, manually cocking the hammer, bullet ricochets, individual bullet loading and weapon spinning.
  • Team Fortress 2 features several revolvers for the Spy of which only two are viable. One, the stock revolver, is a Colt Python which deals very effective damage at almost all ranges. Its bigger brother, the Ambassador (pictured above), is one of the best weapons in the game. Based on the Dan Wesson PPC .357, the Ambassador deals less damage on all shots but instead offers a 102-damage critical hit for a headshot from any range. This makes the Ambassador one of the scariest weapons in the game when wielded by the right OPERATOR.
  • Surprisingly, the .44 Magnum in Modern Warfare 2 (actually a Colt Anaconda) and the Colt Python in Black Ops are efficient and fun to use. However, as they are limited to sidearms in these games, they are not effective enough to replace a primary firearm.
  • Modern Doomfare 2 sees the return of the .44 Magnum in all its glory, except it’s now used by Doomguy for executing daemons instead of OpFor.
  • Bad Company 2 has a fun MP-412. However, it loses points for being break-action, and also for not being the M1911.
  • Overwatch has a character that revolves entirely around a revolver: McCree.

Rescue Ranger

RED_Rescue_RangerThe Rescue Ranger is a weapon for the Engineer in Team Fortress 2. It fires bolts that do decent damage at mid-range but also allow the Engineer to repair his buildings from a distance. In addition, it allows the Engineer to teleport any of his buildings to him which are in sight for the cost of 130 metal.

The Rescue Ranger is considered one of the best unlocks in Team Fortress 2 among Imperials. This is due to a number of reasons. Firstly, Engineer has always been a fun but limited class, relying too much on his predictable Sentry Gun which could be destroyed easily by jabronis if the Engineer is not careful. Secondly, Valve attempted to solve this by introducing the Gunslinger, a disgustingly unbalanced weapon that allows the Engineer to build stupidly effective mini-sentries. The existence of the Gunslinger made most Engineers ignore the other wrenches all together, though it should be noted that equipping the Gunslinger is banned in the Empire. Lastly, since the Engineer’s upgrading speed is tied to his proximity to metal, the efficiency of certain Sentry placements meant that they weren’t always consistent.

The Rescue Ranger solves every one of these problems. Now OPERATORS can venture from their Level 3 and still be able to maintain it, and place Sentry Guns in ludicrous keikaku positions. It also allows OPERATORS to rapidly deploy Level 3 Sentry Guns, and sometimes keep the same Sentry Gun alive for the entire match as both teams move back and forth across the field of battle. Combined with the Wrangler, OPERATORS can rocket jump in and out of every situation and still be able to grab their gun from the other end. To put it simply, the Rescue Ranger makes playing with regular, non-mini-sentries not only playable once more, but also fun and rewarding.

Not-Dying Machine

dead_ringer_largeThe Dead Ringer (Imperialish: Not-Dying Machine, also called the Dead Nigger) is a weapon in Team Fortress 2 that allows the Spy class to feign his death and escape unseen. More importantly, however, the Not-Dying Machine shields the Spy from all incoming damage and lowers it by 90%, and also extinguishes fire if the player happened to be on fire. The weapon is not particularly useful against seasoned players in smaller games, such as 6v6, but allows for unlimited hilarity and many antics against public server players and Highlander teams, though often subject to tactical incompetence. The Dead Ringer is referred to as the ‘Not-Dying Machine’ because of a particular line spoken by the Scout upon dominating an enemy Engineer.

Kar98k

555px-Kar98kbayonetThe Mauser Karabiner 98 Kurz (Imperialish: Kar98k, sometimes just Kar98) is a weapon regarded by every OPERATOR as literally the greatest thing ever created by the hands of men. Naturally, the Kar98k is a product of German Engineering, and stands tall as possibly the greatest example of a tool designed to end the lives of the Jabronis at the other end of it.

The Kar98k is a bolt-action rifle, meaning that, after firing a massive 8x57mm IS cartridge, the OPERATOR must manually crank the bolt on the side of the rifle up and back to release the shell, and back again to load another one. The result of this is that, not only does the shooter look OPERATOR as fuck, an orgasmic sound is produced by the operation of the bolt. Furthermore, Kar98k rounds are either loaded individually or by a clip, which is also considered OPERATOR.

The Empire regards the Kar98k as one of its greatest assets. Since being featured in Call of Duty 2, the Kar98k made a welcome comeback in Call of Duty: World at War along with its German-engineered comrade, the MP40. The label of “Kar98k” can also be applied to any bolt-action, high-damage, high-accuracy rifle that is deemed especially NATO by Imperials.

In Imperial law, attaching a scope or any sight to a Kar98k is considered heresy, which is punishable by death.

GayCR

BlackACR

The Adaptive Combat Rifle (Imperialish: GayCR), commonly abbreviated as ACR, is an assault rifle designed by Magpul Industries. The weapon was featured in Modern Warfare 2 and subsequently, in Modern Doomfare 2. Its accuracy, along with its high rate of fire made the GayCR very easy to use and arguably overpowered in Modern Warfare 2. The weapon’s ease of use led YouTube beast ELPRESADOR to coin the term in his Modern Warfare 2 commentaries, and it has since been a part of the Imperialish vocabulary.

French Piece of Shit

585px-FAMAS_MW2The FAMAS (Imperialish: FRENCH PIECE OF SHIT) is a French bullpup assault rifle, and is regarded by OPERATORS as one of the most disgusting pieces of trash ever created. This monstrosity is featured in Modern Warfare 2, where it was first determined by OPERATORS to be garbage. The FELIN variant of the FRENCH PIECE OF SHIT, developed in the 2000’s, is featured in Call of Duty: Black Ops, which is set in the 60s. As of 2011, the French Army has realized that OPERATORS know what’s up and that their standard issue service rifle is indeed a piece of shit. The FRENCH PIECE OF SHIT also makes an appearance in Bad Company 2. A less shit version appears in Counter-Strike, where it is a good economy weapon for the CT team.

In Imperialish, the term “FRENCH PIECE OF SHIT” can also refer to anything that is French, and is a common name for Napoleon and his French Empire in games of Civilization.

FN FAIL

730px-FAL_6The FN FAL (Imperialish: FN FAIL) is a Belgian assault rifle designed by FN, the geniuses behind the F2000. The FN FAIL is regarded by the Empire as being fairly terrible, but OPERATORS regard the FN FAIL as the most OPERATOR of the Full Retard range of weaponry. The fact that the addition of a single letter makes the name of the weapon equivalent to the English and Imperialish word for “complete and utter disaster” is a testament to the amount of thought that went into its design. The weapon is featured in Modern Warfare 2, Modern Doomfare 2, and Black Ops.

Flammenwerfer

flameThe Flamethrower (Imperialish: Flammenwerfer) is a weapon that is featured prominently in Nazi Zombies, and to a lesser degree, Call of Duty: Black Ops. The weapon is popular among OPERATORS in Nazi Zombies due to its ability to activate Auschwitz mode when combined with an “Insta-Kill” powerup. Though not favoured by all Imperials. it is nonetheless an iconic part of the OPERATOR loadout in Nazi Zombies. Among Imperial scholars, the Flammenwerfer is an important example of German Engineering done correctly.

The Pyro class in Team Fortress 2 revolves entirely around the Flammenwerfer.

F2000

F2000_MW2The FN F2000 (Imperialish: F2K, also commonly referred to as just F2000) is a Belgian assault rifle regarded by OPERATORS as being one of the most useless pieces of shit ever created, much like other FN weaponry. Deemed by many Imperials to be Full Retard, the F2000 combines horrible accuracy and pitiful damage with an unusually high rate of fire. The F2000 is often associated with cries of dismay whenever it is acquired in Modern Warfare 2, Modern Doomfare 2, and Bad Company 2, and is often dropped immediately upon being picked up by OPERATORS, usually with the declaration that they will have “none of that.”

A futuristic weapon of this monstrosity is used by the Jabroni faction in Nuclear Dawn.