Ham and Cheese

d2wa2Ham and Cheese is a tactic in Overwatch. The tactic involves two players: one that dives the enemy team and attracts attention (Ham), and another that provides shields and sets up team wipes (Cheese).

The essential ingredient of Ham and Cheese is Zarya. Zarya’s projected barrier ability is applied after a slight delay to harvest up the maximum amount of energy, and also grants the diver a free escape. In turn, this amps up Zarya’s killing potential considerably and accelerates her Graviton Surge (Imperalish: OGON) build rate.

The second ingredient of the tactic is any hero that excels at diving enemies, and has access to a complementary ultimate to Zarya’s. In most cases, this role is filled by Genji. Genji’s unparalleled flanking ability pairs well with Zarya’s projected barrier, and most of his escape options do not rely on any cooldowns. This allows the pair to reset for another play every eight seconds. In addition, Genji’s Dragonblade not only forces enemy ultimates (making them defenseless in a future Graviton Surge) but has the potential to wipe teams without any defensive ultimates that are caught in a Graviton Surge. Finally, a liberal use of projected barriers means Genji can secure more eliminations and builds Dragonblade much faster than simply relying on poke damage. Other solid options for the diver role are Reaper and Winston.

It is easy to see how a well-implemented Ham and Cheese can lead to an unstoppable snowballing effect. The tactic was originally brainstormed by a top-secret Imperial think tank in an attempt to design the most effective way to carry a six-man team with the least amount of grouped players.

Grip N’ Sip

gripnsipRoadhog (Imperialish: Grip N’ Sip, or Roadmun) is a playable hero in Overwatch. With a high health pool and devastating damage output, Grip N’ Sip fills the tank role for his team by forcing foes to prioritize him over his teammates.

Grip N’ Sip’s playstyle revolve around his two basic abilities:

  • Grip: a powerful ability that attaches to and reels an enemy directly to Grip N’ Sip.
  • Sip: Grip N’ Sip downs a sizzurp and recovers half of his health.

Both abilities have very short cooldowns, allowing Grip N’ Sip to grip and sip repeatedly throughout a team fight. Combined with a primary weapon that can one-shot most of the cast, a skilled Grip N’ Sip can very effectively control the pace of any match.

However, Grip N’ Sip is very difficult to play well and a poor Grip N’ Sip can be more detrimental to a team than most heroes. His large hitbox and health pool can give the enemy team guaranteed ultimate charge if caught out of position. His low ammo-count, slow reload, and movement-inhibiting abilities are punishing in an extended engagement. His ultimate is very situational, and disables Grip N’ Sip’s grip and sip for a few seconds. Finally, large doses of high strength cough syrup contains dangerous amounts of promethazine and codeine, a combination that can lead to death.

Exposé: Dahir Insaat

Season 1 Title Card

Season 1 Title Card

Dahir Insaat is a post-apocalyptic science-fiction web-series. The format for the series is unique, each episode being a CGI animation of a ludicrous idea pitched directly to investors. Though often misunderstood as mere patent trolling, or the works of somebody with more money than sanity, the groundbreaking science fiction series has been received with widespread critical acclaim among Imperial scholars. Click here to view the entire series on YouTube, or follow along with the links in the article.

The plot takes place in the distant future. The Earth, ravaged by the destructive nuclear wars of humans thousands of years in the past, has returned to its lush neutral self. However, the first long-term nuclear shelters have begun to unseal, and humans once again roam the planet.

The only surviving states are the Russian Federation, led by the reanimated mummy of Vladimir Putin, and the city of Istanbul, controlled by the Dahir Insaat corporation. Due to thousands of years of cultural funneling, American English is the only spoken language on the planet. Russia’s reemerging citizens leave Putin facing the biggest housing crisis in history. To capitalize on this, Dahir Insaat has created several pitches for capital addressed directly to Putin, claiming to solve the housing crisis by creating massive, elaborate planned cities.

One possible design for a Dahir Insaat planned city

One possible design for a Dahir Insaat planned city

The radiation of ancient war has deeply affected the animal population in the future. Almost no mammals or marine animals remain, but plants continue to thrive on the surface. Each Dahir Insaat city is surrounded by hundreds of greenhouses to produce food for the residents. Due to the Russian Federation’s preserved underground car factories, combined with Earth’s restored atmosphere, every citizen owns one to twelve cars. Unfortunately, only the design schematics for the 2012 Honda Civic and the 2009 Murciélago were preserved. Dahir Insaat’s futuristic supermarkets augment this modern lifestyle, where the cultivated food from the greenhouses is transported and sold to the customers.

Most modern humans are fair-skinned, blonde, and blue-eyed due to generations of humans born through severe gene pool bottlenecking. Everyday life is much different in the future. Humans consume large amounts of high-cholesterol, cavity-causing foods through Dahir Insaat automated restaurants, leading to a health epidemic that was thankfully cut short by Dahir Insaat’s medical advancements in both hematology and dentistry. Citizens send and receive mail through a city-wide, underground delivery system, and modern culture places heavy emphasis on balconies as status symbols. The nuclear wars have permanently destabilized the Earth’s tectonic plates, making earthquakes a much more common occurrence. Dahir Insaat’s uniquely engineered beds protect residents from any harm during a potential seismic event.

Dahir Insaat Fruit Truck Quadcopter

Dahir Insaat Fruit Truck Quadcopter

Russia’s widely dispersed population requires the construction of not only millions of planned Dahir Insaat cities, but also mass transport and roads to connect them. This distance has generated much plotting between Russian city-states, seeking to destroy each other and take control of the remaining territory. Since the schematics for the advanced weapons technology of the past was preserved, the weapons of the future are much more terrifyingly effective, and are mostly engineered by Dahir Insaat. Though F-22 Raptors, MiGs and B-2 Spirits dominated the skies early-on, the Dahir Insaat Fruit Truck Quadcopter redefined warfare and is currently unrivaled in its destructive capability. The Dahir Insaat Wagon Wheel controls the borders of each city, making conventional tank warfare futile.

Unbeknownst to all, Dahir Insaat ultimately seeks to take control of the entire Russian Federation through the use of their seemingly harmless technology. Once construction is completed on all cities, Dahir Insaat plans to unleash the final stage of their plot: every Russian citizen is swallowed by their earthquake-proof bed at once, and the shelter compresses and transforms into an indestructible remote-control mini-tank called the GCV. Effectively holding every Russian citizen hostage simultaneously, the GCVs can march straight to the office of the reanimated mummy of Vladimir Putin uncontested.

Unfortunately, funding for the web-series seems to have been cut short before the second season showing the GCV war could have been produced. However, the implications of the first season are obvious to any observant viewer, and thus the setup for the following season was easily deduced.

McDonald Mosey

tumblr_nm3nzfmoxa1qd4q8ao1_500The McDonald Mosey is a tactic in Overwatch. Two OPERATORS are required: one playing McCree, and one playing Lucio. A relatively simple antic, its level of effectiveness is as high as its level of hilarity.

McCree’s ultimate ability, Dead-Eye, allows McCree to line up several instant-kill shots on enemies within his line of sight. However, this comes at the cost of announcing your attack to the entire server, as well as McCree’s movement speed becoming slower than a snail in molasses. In addition, the attack can be blocked by Reinhardt’s shield, and McCree can still be easily killed.

Enter Lucio. Lucio’s passive speed boost ability, along with his modifier ability, Amp it Up, allows McCree to activate his Dead-Eye and mosey up to fleeing enemies, catching them in ridiculous angles that otherwise wouldn’t have been possible. McCree can even power walk around Reinhardt’s shield catching everyone behind it off-guard with a faceful of lead.

As an even more hilarious addendum, Lucio can use his ultimate ability, the Sound Barrier, to give McCree a massive boost to his health pool, making his speed-boosted Dead-Eye jig indefensible.


1465007524122Soldier: 76 (Imperialish: Support) is a playable hero in Overwatch. With his heavy pulse rifle and sprint ability, Support is one of the most versatile heroes in the game, whose effectiveness is entirely dependent on the skill of the user, free of superfluous gimmicks.

Through an unfixed bug in the game, Support is mislabeled as an “Offense” hero in the hero selection screen when he is, in fact, meant to be under the “Support” category. Support’s sprint ability allows him to quickly travel to injured teammates and deploy his main ability, the biotic field, which provides a fast area-of-effect heal.

Though his net healing rate is outclassed by the likes of Mercy and Lucio, Support’s heavy pulse rifle puts out some of the highest DPS in the game, provided the user can track well. This, combined with his versatile helix rocket and utility ultimate ability, allows the OPERATOR to maintain maximum damage output and objective time while keeping important teammates healthy. This means that the Reinhardt and Zarya holding the frontlines down will continue to stay healthy and dangerous, while the level 9 Genji and two career Hanzos on the team berate the others for not having a more robust healing hero as they wage war against the local walls and flora.

“Soldier 69 is boring as hell. He doesn’t do anything except run. Gee, thanks. He can shoot, too, but you have to aim, though sometimes you don’t have to. He has an egg that he can put on the floor and if you stand in the yolk, it heals you. If you right-click, you can kill yourself.” –Smacksay, 2016

Stealth Dwarf

1464247544976Torbjörn (Imperialish: Stealth Dwarf) is a playable hero in Overwatch. One of the world’s leading engineers, Stealth Dwarf’s abilities include constructing sentry guns, creating armor packs for his teammates, and fitting into small alcoves and crevices one wouldn’t expect a combatant to attack from.

Though the game will try to tell you that the sentry gun is his biggest asset, experienced players know that Stealth Dwarf’s true strength is his ability to ambush enemies unseen from behind small objects and waist-high walls. This is partly due to the fact that his primary weapon, the rivet gun, is horrifyingly powerful. The standard firing mode shoots small, arcing projectiles that do 70 points of damage to the body and 140 (!) damage to the head at any range. In addition, the secondary firing mode is a devastating shotgun blast that can do up to 150 damage per meatshot.

The most effective way to play the Stealth Dwarf is to set up ambushes with your upgraded sentry gun. While enemies are distracted by your auto-targeting turret, Stealth Dwarf can get the drop on enemies, dishing out ludicrous amounts of damage and overwhelm the enemy. After dispatching the enemy, Stealth Dwarf compacts their flesh into scrap that he can use to outfit his teammates with damage-resistant armor.

As if this wasn’t enough, Stealth Dwarf’s final form, the Molten Core, allows the height-challenged imp to temporarily channel Odin through his body for twelve seconds. While awakened, Molten Dwarf gains a ridiculous amount of armor, shoots his rivet gun much faster, and transforms his flimsy sentry gun into a hellish death machine. As an added bonus, Stealth Dwarf’s small forge hammer becomes Mjönlir, dealing 75 damage per hit at a deceptively fast swing rate.

A crucial aspect of playing Stealth Dwarf properly is employing the Scandinavian Battle Cry hidden abilitiy. Based on emperical studies, Imperial researchers have discovered that Stealth Dwarf players are roughly 20% more effective when constantly screaming “IIIII’M GIVIN’ IT ALL I’VE GOT!” by mashing the voice line button, terrifying enemies into submission and boosting the morale of teammates.

Post-Scout Depression

depression-brain-scanPost-Scout Depression (scientifically called Sanic withdrawal) is a common medical condition linked with the sudden loss of sanics. Typically, the onset of ‘PSD‘ is caused by switching from a class or loadout with a high sanic rating to one with a significantly lower sanic rating. The result of the abrupt change is a noticeable depression in brain activity as the patient adjusts to their new limitations, a step which is clinically referred to as ‘sanic withdrawal’.

Symptoms of PSD include: lowered neural activity (see PET scan), dopamine deficiency, anger or irritability, slurred speech, loss of energy, inability to avoid damage, and reckless behaviour. Many of these symptoms are linked with PSD’s twin metabolic disorder, sanic dependence, which is caused by a patient’s body becoming too reliant on their sanics to avoid damage or to disengage effectively after overextending, allowing them to coast by on relatively sloppy play.

There are no remedies for post-scout depression. Despite this, Imperial doctors and medical researchers recommend, when switching from a high sanic class or loadout to a lower one, to transition slowly and in multi-class intervals. These preventative measures have shown great success in reducing the effect of sanic dependence, and in effect, PSD.

Chancellor Valorum

ValorumPortrait-SWEFinis Valorum (commonly called by his title Chancellor Valorum or just Valorum) is the current Supreme Chancellor of the Empire. The position of Supreme Chancellor operates directly underneath the Emperator himself, and is in charge of managing the deliberations of the Imperial Senate; however, Valorum is most notable for being one of the most bumbling and ineffective political leaders in the history of the Empire. Despite this, Imperial voters unanimously vote him back into power every single election just to see what kind of accidental antics the maladroit fool gets himself into next.

“Why do we care about Valorum again?” – Imperial Journalist

The most notable example of Chancellor Valorum’s complete and utter ineptitude is his handling of a simple dispute over taxes that snowballed into a major war between members of the senate. Valorum began by sending out a party of two to investigate the dispute. The investigators were ambushed by the Trade Federation leaders, but were able to escape and vowed to “warn the Naboo, and contact Chancellor Valorum.” When the Supreme Chancellor and the delegates of the Senate were informed of a tragedy that had occurred that started “right here with the taxation of the trade routes,” Valorum instead asked if the Senator would “defer [his] motion to allow a commission to investigate the validity of [his] accusations,” despite the fact that he had the testimony of the two investigators that he himself trusted and sent to settle the whole dispute in the first place.

Valorum’s clumsy mishandling of a simple dispute would eventually “[engulf] our entire planet in the oppression of the Trade Federation,” a hilarious outcome that cemented Valorum’s position as the Supreme Chancellor in the eyes of the Empire. Imperial voters could not have asked for a bigger, more antic-producing representative for the position of Supreme Chancellor.

War on Mini-Sentries

mini_sentry_by_dromlexer-d6lilccThe War on Min-Sentries is an ongoing conflict between the Empire and Gunslinger Engineers. The war began on July 8, 2010 when Valve Corporation released the Engineer Update for Team Fortress 2, which added the Gunslinger into the game. Currently, it is unknown whether the War on Mini-Sentries will see any sort of conclusion in the foreseeable future.

The Gunslinger allows Engineers to construct the Mini-Sentry, a cheap 100 metal Sentry Gun replacement that is widely believed to be one of (if not the only) truly unbalanced weapon ever added to Team Fortress 2. The Mini-Sentry deploys in less than three seconds, requires no maintenance, and locks down any and all areas with its 100% accurate auto-aim gun and a 360 degree arc of rotation. In addition, the Engineer gains 25 additional health points just for equipping the weapon. The Gunslinger is problematic in that once the Engineer has plopped the weapon down, his foe’s attention and firepower must now be divided between the belligerent Engineer and his rapidly deploying Mini-Sentry. Combined with the fact that the Engineer can freely fire any of his weapons at you during this time, it is nigh impossible for a foe to escape unscathed from an encounter with a Gunslinger Engineer. As if that wasn’t enough, the Mini-Sentry’s 360-degree auto-aim fire will shut down Scouts, jumping Soldiers, and jumping Demomen with a simple press of a button.

The Empire takes great offense at Gunslinger Engineers. Whenever an enemy Gunslinger Engineer is spotted, Imperials focus all of their efforts in order to make certain that they do not enjoy their heretical experience. Instrumental in this conflict is the Direct Hit for the Soldier, the direct counter to the Mini-Sentry, which can destroy the building in a single hit. The use of the Gunslinger is strictly prohibited within the Empire; Imperials must not give into their hate and instead stand as paragons of all that is just and balanced.

Many battles have been won in hundreds of campaigns, but the War is not over until the Gunslinger and its users are nerfed off the face of the Earth.

King Crimson

2r9c4omKing Crimson is a phenomenon that sometimes appears in multiplayer games, especially multiplayer shooters like Team Fortress 2Counter-Strike, and Call of Duty. A King Crimson event occurs when a player is experiencing such a high volume of lag and packet loss that they appear to teleport between positions rather than actually move to them. King Crimsons are notoriously hard to kill, as one can never truly be sure where their true position is. Combined with the forgiving lag compensation in the Source Engine, a King Crimson is a major threat to all those in opposition when it appears on the battlefield.

King Crimson is named after a character of the same name in the JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure manga. In the series, King Crimson is a ‘stand’ with the ability to erase “frames” of time like how one edits a movie. The result is something which mirrors the way packet loss is handled in some multiplayer games.

As an added bonus, the character is named after an awesome prog band.